Being Used, Then Put To The Side When Not Needed Anymore…

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Lately, I have been feeling really used by people and its not a pleasant thing to go through. I have been through so much in my life like people bullying me, and keeping me left out of things in peoples lives and all that was a thing of the past, but now I am dealing with another dilemma, and that is people using me. I am only approached to if people need something, then the rest of the time, they act like they do not even know you, and say who is she? It is really a terrible feeling and I hope nobody else has to go through those problems. I myself have been there so many times where people wouldn’t give you the time of day, but conveniently they are there when you are needed.

I must learn to put my foot down, my good nature and soft heartedness, I am always end up doing it for them. Now that Facebook, Twitter, Youtube is out many people ask me to advertise they’re links and I do it, but there is a limit. There is this quote which I really love but do not know who the writer is, but it says: “Never make people a priority, when you are just an option to them”. I should take that advice and words of wisdom and put to good use. I should say no once in a while, it won’t hurt me. I will just find out who my true friends are by just doing so. I know there are still great people in this world, but very rare to find these days and very rare to find people whom do not use others.

Now days, whenever I see pictures of people having fun with each other on facebook, they are at a party, then I have to find out after the fact of that gathering or something and it is extremely hurtful to me and feeling excluded from things is not something that I feel good about. I cannot even begin to think how many times I have cried myself to sleep, thinking I am just a book that is read and put back on the shelf and not needed anymore, or those clothes that have been worn and put back in the closet to never be worn again. Its terrifying to feel this way and its not a great feeling at all. All the times I have been bullied, and put to the side when I was a kid, comes back to haunt me and no matter how much we try to forget it, it always there. It just doesn’t make sense to me and I am still trying to figure it out.

I want to have fun in my life, I want to put all those bad feelings and put them in the past and start fresh, but its not happening for me and sometimes all I want to do is just have some fun, and be invited to gatherings, be invited and have great conversations with people whom I know, not just one or two word conversations then I get put to the side and I am not noticed all night and I am just there by myself where nobody would talk to me for long periods of time. Its crazy. I do have friends now and everything and I am greatful to that and I have people whom I go out with Friday nights and stuff, but I am just so tired of being used then put out to the curb on Garbage day because that is how I feel at times and its just so ridiculous. I do not get why people have to act this way to other people. Its not a great feeling at all and I know all of this first hand. I hope nobody else has to go through this.

69 thoughts on “Being Used, Then Put To The Side When Not Needed Anymore…”

  3. You know what, ironically I just read an article on a study they did about Facebook. Apparently it’s starting to cause depression and anxiety in people for just the reasons you listed above. People only put the good things out there for others to see and so the readers think that’s ALL the posters have: is good things. SO not true. 🙂

    As a side note, my sister is someone who only talks to me when she needs something. Then it’s off to parties and gatherings with friends and in-laws and I don’t get a backward glance. It’s made me have thicker skin which you shouldn’t need with family.

    Finally, there is an essential oil from Young Living called Valor. I put it on me and my daughter almost every day. It helps the wearer void negative emotions, increases confidence, and makes you feel stronger. Just throwing that out there if you think it would help. 🙂

    Dig in your feet and be stubborn mule to those who don’t appreciate you. And I’ve also found that silence is actually golden in some situations. Good luck!

  5. Thanks for sharing this with us it’s very brave of you. I hope, by writing this way, it makes you feel a little better to just get some of it out. We all feel like this from time to time, if happens to you often you shouldn’t suffer in silence, you should (calmly) say something to the people you feel are snubbing you. What they say in response will help you to determine if they’re a true friend or just a passing fancy.

  6. I’ve been through this too. I’ve even lost friends through defending the wrong person, because my altruistic nature tells me to defend people that I trust. My trust is often misplaced, and I do wonder if people take advantage of my autism sometimes in order to ingratiate themselves with me. That especially hurts when you’ve known the person you’re defending for ten years or more and they turn out to be making everything up. Their husband didn’t beat them, they gave their pedigree dog away freely and it wasn’t stolen… that’s just one person who lied to me!

    My fiance says I’m too tender-hearted and I’m trying my best to not become as involved in hard-luck stories as I used to. It’s difficult though, as it is in my nature to help everyone that I possibly can.

    You’re a wonderful, warm person Talin. Know where to draw the line and don’t let others take advantage of your natural kindness xxx

  7. I feel so bad Talin that you had to go through this. For once,stop thinking about others and just think about yourself, how you can enjoy life, be happy and feel satisfied!

    Good Luck!

  8. I understand what you’re going through and how it feels. At my workplace I get that all the time. They just notice me when they need something or when I am away on vacation because then there is nobody else to do my job, and since no one likes to do it, they complain when they have to fill me in. I work as a proofreader for an advertising agency. Sometimes, I have to stay until very late, waiting for press ads to come out so I can check them and then go home. When I am away, everybody complains because they don’t want to proofread anything, but when I am here, which is most of the time, I am ignored and treated like I’m the last person in line and only gets the little crumbles falling out of the table. It’s disgusting, I know.

    But, I have learnt to deal with it and just ignore them back. They don’t know I am a good hearted soul and probably will never know, they just don’t care, so why bother with them. I don’t need them and neither do you Talin. Let hypocrites mingle with their own.

    • It’s interesting because that sounds like me to some extent as well. I think the issue is that we’re introverts and typically we are outnumbered by extroverts, who take our being low-key as rude (which of course we’re not). Living as an introverted person in this day and age is tough!

  9. It’s time you get some new friends who really treat you the way you should be treated. Try something totally different and out of your comfort zone. Get out of this rut you are in and start fresh with some new people. You are worth it and no one should make you feel bad about yourself. Chin up. You can do it!

  10. I am sorry to hear you say this but you we all have been through this and the only thing that got me through it was this prayer. I prayed and ask the Lord is people that come into my life if they are only here to bring harm to me then remove them immediately. See like you I am a caring and love helping people but people like us get taken for granted they think we are easy. But we’re not we just happen to have a compassionate heart that God has been making in us. I will say since the Lord done this for me things are much easier for me then what it use to be. Now when people come to me I let my spirit of discernment speak to me first…You stay strong and know GOD is with you and making you stronger through it all. AMEN

  11. I’ve gone back to school for the time in over 20 yrs. and my books have been my new boyfriend on the weekends lately. Not that I’m complaining, the sacrifice that I’m making will be worth it. I think everyone goes through periods of feeling left out. During those times it’s good to learn how to enjoy your own company. I take myself out to dinner and a movie (date myself). I know it sounds lame, but, it takes away the thirst of no companionship and often times you meet others while you’re out.

  12. Hey, sweetie, I hope you’re feeling better soon. Here’s what my mom used to say: The best revenge is living well. Do what makes you happy, find friends that are fun and help you feel good, and never look back! Thanks for posting, and take good care of yourself.

  13. It is a horrible feeling and one that I think everyone has felt at least once. My advice is really simple. Today, say “NO” to one person who asks for something and invite someone (anyone really) to lunch or dinner or cocktail or for a mani/pedi, whatever. At the end of the day, y ou will feel very empowered. Now, do the same thing tomorrow and the next day….
    Also, it would be worth your sanity to go on facebook right now and disable your account. Think of it as a personal challenge. Stay off for 30 days. You’ll be surprised!!

  14. I lost some friendships throughout the years when I finally stood up for myself and stopped trying to please everyone. This was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life but I chose to rid my life of the negative people that brought me down. I still have people who occasionally take advantage of me, even in my own family because I’m not good at saying “no.” But it’s always a work in progress. It might take time but you will get there if you work toward finding your happiness. Thank you for the brave, honest post!

  15. Welcome to The Club of The Used, Abused, and Forgotten (NOT! that was sarcasm on my part.)
    I know all too well that of which you write. It could be the story of my entire adult life and I am 64 years old. For far too long, I helped people, I did for them, I put myself out, I denied myself pleasures in sacrifice to help others, and I mean literally hundreds of people, if not thousands. And, for what? It has always been a very rare occasion, indeed, for someone, anyone, including family, to ever telephone, write, send an e-mail, or visit me UNLESS they needed advice, money, a favor, the use of my political or community pull, a connection for a job, “pro bono” consulting, or some other help of some kind. FINALLY, about two years ago, after 40 decades of being optimistic of people, I learned to say NO, — especially to those who sought financial “loans” and yet even some of those still did not settle for “no” at their first request. NOW, in the past two years, it is even more rare for “family” and “friends” to contact me; some have ignored my e-mails, failed to return my telephone calls, failed to acknowledge my birthday or anniversary cards and letters (even a wedding card and its enclosed check); some have even “unfriended” me on Facebook, and then there are blood relatives such as brothers, nephews, and nieces who have since literally disowned me. I have had even less contact with people ever since I started saying “NO” — But, you know what? – I have more money to spend on myself, more time to do what I want and when I want, AND I can no longer say to myself that someone is talking to me or including me just because I can be of help (i.e. used and abused by them). I cut them all out of my life and am better for it. Incidentally, I do not consider myself to be pessimistic about people, friends, and family; I consider myself to be a REALIST after my many, many experiences over these past 40+ years.

  16. I have felt as you feel right now. It really does stink. I am sorry Talin that you are bearing this burden right now. I liked what you said about setting up proper boundaries with people who do not value you. the fear we all have is that if we say “no” then we will not have realtionships at all…people won’t even give us the two words. But when we start to take care of ourselves and respect ourselves by setting up boundaries with people who would take advantage of us we often find that other people start to respect us too. Praying for you right now! 🙂

  18. WHAT MORE CAN I SAY THAT IT IS ALREADY SAID…THEY ALL LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW IT LOL DON’T FEEL THAT WAY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.. KEEP ON BLOGGING

  19. You’re right that no-one should feel that way. I think you’d be doing yourself a favour to say no sometimes. Even if that’s not in your nature. Don’t let ppl take from you more than they give. Hang in there.

  21. Talin, thank you for sharing your heart. It reminds me of myself before God began to heal me from the hurts of the past. Just because others bullied you in the past, it does not have to be your present life. Ask for God’s help to see yourself as he sees you and to love and respect yourself. When someone wants something from you, don’t automatically say yes. Answering NO or not responding is empowering to those who want to use you. There are many people who love you. I’m rooting for you!

  23. Pingback: Optimist, Pessimist, Realist. Which Are You? | Roland's Ramblings

  24. Talin, You mustn’t beat yourself up like this. You deserve much better. People who only call you when they need something from you are not worth the time of day and definitely not worth worrying or crying about. After all, the brightest stars shine on their own.
    I felt like that 20 years ago when I separated from my first husband and suddenly nobody wanted to know me and they stopped asking me around. I shed lots of tears, only to realize afterwards that I didn’t really need those people and that I could start over and be happy somewhere else and with different people.
    At parties I just like to dance, unless there is someone special I really enjoy talking too, bot more often that not I don’t bother to go. You could always organize your own parties and invite only those who are really true to you and care about you.
    Be happy: you deserve it. You are always sharing comforting words with us and I hope I can now be of help to you.
    Lots of love ❤
    Fátima

  25. Talin,
    Be encouraged. You are not alone. Many people feel that way. It doesn’t have to be that way. You have really been clear about what you want in friendships and relationships. That is great. Now just take the time to think about what you can do to bring that into your life. What kinds of people do you want to meet or what kind of person would you like to be in order to bring healthy loving relationships into your life. Also you may want to explore what areas of your heart that God is interested in healing as you are on your journey. I will be praying that healing, and healthy relationships will come your way!
    God bless
    K

  27. People treat you the way you allow them to: You have all the power in the world to change this.
    Another thing I’ve noticed, Talin, is that you get so much feedback to your postings, but don’t seem to frequent the comment pages to acknowledge the good wishes and suggestions coming your way. Maybe you reply via email, or maybe you don’t even read the comments…Anyway…all these things are worth thinking about as you examine your interactions with people and work toward getting more of what you want from others.

  30. I have been used many times. Maybe not under the same circumstances as you, but used nonetheless. It doesn’t feel good. Hopefully those that used you didn’t cause you to go broke. I say if they do not want you around they aren’t friends. Good friends keep you around as you would keep them around.

    I don’t do a damn thing for anyone who only wants me around to use for their personal gain or get me to do something for them. Fuck them, they weren’t a friend to begin with.

    Sorry for the angry words.

  32. Talin, I hear the pain in your words over being rejected, which is not easy for anyone, Please consider this: saying yes when you mean no, will not save you from rejection and betrayal. Saying no is okay…it’s very healthy and it helps us to feel better about our self. Most of us fear saying no, because we may not be liked or accepted. When we like and love self, it’s not as necessary to be liked by everyone else. I trust you will find your way in this, and find your sense of self within.

  33. There are all kinds of levels in friendship. If you feel you are the only one trying to maintain or encourage a certain level of friendship, then you are wasting your time. I’m glad you have made true friends since experiencing past “leech friends.”

  34. Learning to say no and finding ways how is difficult but you sound like you are on your way. It is a great thing. My mother used to say “be the one who gives headaches rather than the one who gets them!” hmmm, I get migraines. But your statement is a boundary. Yes!

  35. People do go through difficult situations but it’s just a phase. Tomorrow will always be a better day.

    Eat your favorite food.
    Laugh at corny jokes.
    Exercise.
    Hug people you love.

    I hope you feel better. =)

  36. It’s OK to set boundaries and to say no when you feel like it. Just say no to those toxic relationships. You have a right to be happy. We all do. Some relationships just have to fall away while others might flourish. The American Indians believe in turkey medicine … clean out the old to make room for the new. Gobble, Gobble! Know that you are loved.

  37. Great post!!! i have been feeling this way too lately but i have to remember that if people don’t make time for you other than when they need something, then i cannot associate with them anymore. We have to make time in peoples lifes and if they don’t want to make time for you, well its there lose, not yours. Hang in there, God will put people in your life that matters.

    In Christ

    Scott

  38. This is so funny (Not LOL funny, but strange funny) because just a few days ago I had a meltdown and said [out loud] almost all of the same things you write about here.

    I tried the Facebook thing for a little while and found it to be so depressing, alienating and lonely; although I continue a love hate relationship with blogging, for the most part I find it very lonely as well. But look at all of the bighearted people that are here cheering for you (I think we should start a club. There are so many generous, caring souls who’ve been hurt and disappointed. Who knew, right?) You have such a wonderful support system!!

    As you know, it’s so very difficult for those of us who are hyper-empathetic, and hyper-compassionate to stop caring. And do we really want to? Do we really want to be like the others? But setting boundaries is a VERY GOOD IDEA! I’ve definitely scaled back with my helpfulness. And, I’ve decided to stop calling people who don’t call me, stop worrying about birthdays of people who could care less about mine, etc. etc. It’s hard, but for some reason, when we care too much, we are respected less. So here’s to the bighearted! Group hug? Now dry those eyes, raise your chin, be proud and know that you are loved by so many;)

  40. I have lived at my current state for three years and get very lonely as I am having a hard time finding friends. I use to have someone at my house hanging out every night in my old state and either I am different, the people, or the place. I am not sure but it stinks.

  41. I accidently sent before done… duh 😀 my point is I read your words and feel I can relate and we do deserve better. I agree saying no and being assertive is important especially when being used.

  42. Darlin’, you’re beautiful, special, original, unique & amazing — no matter what anyone else ever says or does that makes you feel the opposite. xoxo

  44. HI Talin! You are the life of your own party! Make it happen because no one else can do that for you. You are smart, beautiful, and talented. You can make things happen, so have fun and be with friends that value you as much as you value them. Have a great day!

  45. Do yourself a favour, cut people who dont appreciate you in your life. You might be alone for a while but believe me it is up to you to make people appreciate you. You dont settle for less. I have been through that half my life until I decided NO MORE! TAKE THAT STAND!

  46. We’ve all been there Talin. Your friends will put on a ‘happy’ smile for the camera but inside they probably have their dark moments too. Few of us like to see ourselves as being a ‘grouch’.

    It’s our national poet Rabbie Burns time here in Scotland and a few lines from him spring to mind.
    ‘O’ that He wad the giftie gie us, tae see oorsels as ither’s see us’

    chin up girl 🙂

  50. I totally feel the same way sometimes. It hurts to see some people are always needing from you but when you would like them to reciprocate, it’s a different issue. Like willowdot21 said, you are showing that you are bigger than them and it shows by your constant compassion.

  51. It’s difficult to find a happy balance. You want to remain the person everyone knows they can rely on, without becoming a doormat. You want to remain caring, but know when to stand up for yourself and say ENOUGH…then there are times, you just need to realize when you’re someone’s friend, but they aren’t yours. Around the age of 25, I finally realized who my friends were. There were a few that I thought us close friends, but they were never available for me and didn’t show up to my engagement party (when I was in their wedding) kind of stuff. I wrote them a letter and told them how I felt and basically ended our friendship…well, didn’t really end it…just told them how selfish they were and I stopped contacting them. Once i stopped trying to be there for them, I never heard from them…except when they were getting divorced, but I was quickly forgotten when their life was good again…I moved and didn’t forward my number or address. I made the decision to stop wasting energy on them. People are who they are, and they don’t change. I appreciate the memory of times we hung out and that’s it. I’m moving on with the new. New Friends that cherish me.

    You are now at that point. Choose to let things continue, put your foot down and be prepared for the friends to be offended, or remove those people from your life? What are you going to do?

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
    Lake Forest, CA

  52. There’s an old comic line: “With friends like those, who needs enemies?” —
    If you want to attract a whole bunch of new ‘friends’, buy a pickup truck.
    Be sure to get the cash up front though, for any trucking your new friends want done 🙂

    Hang in there.
    Jim

    http://vermontverse.wordpress.com

  53. I felt the same way. It’s not easy when people act that way but I think we have all had it happen to us in some form or another. I love that God though doesn’t treat us that way and that is what I have to always remind myself. Look up and remember where true love comes from. That’s what I do in times like those 🙂

  54. Talin – lots of advise here but I wanted to caution you. You seem a very giving person. Thus, opportunistic folks are going to take advantage of that, if possible. Don’t forget however, that if you are a ‘giver’ … be careful not to cut yourself off from related fulfillment. A friend once told me he always felt like he was “clearing the field for someone else’s picnic.” Helping & blessing others – only for them to offer no real recognition or appreciation of his kindness. I replied, “but you enjoy clearing fields for others”. Or simply … like you, he enjoyed giving, helping, blessing. In doing so, he fed the part of him that was gifted in such ways. You certainly want others to respect & appreciate you & your efforts to help or bless them — but don’t forget that a big part of your giving feeds a deep part of your own heart. Realizing this about ourselves makes us feel less taken advantage of since, our motivation then becomes less about giving to a particular soul & more about simply giving – helping, etc. I’m not encouraging you to allow others to take advantage of your kindness — just encouraging you to look closely at how you might be more selective in giving / helping — so you don’t make yourself feel even worse by not doing (at least in some fashion) what your nature in healthy ways is blessed by doing. Hope this makes sense. – td

    • I know this post is years old but your perspective stands out…I too like to give for givings sake, and you totally hit the nail on the head…it’s part of who I am. Totally unconditional giving just to help someone out satisfies me deeply and I would lose a part of myself if I did not do this.

      No better way to do this than to give to a TOTAL stranger…I like to hook up a homeless guy with something, cash, food and a little empathy…or if someone is stranded, car breakdown or something i will drive someone 10 miles out of my way. Someone ahead at the store of me forgot their wallet or are significantly short on final price? No worries I got you man.

      Since I will probably never see these people again, it’s unconditional giving in it’s purest form. Sometimes help is solicited, espescially from homeless people, but often time it’s at my insistence. I have no problem saying no, can’t help you when hit up for change so I don’t feel used in these situations. Strangers randomly help me out too, so I guess what goes around comes around.

      Not the case with so called “friends” who only contact you when they need you. Some are just so blatant about it too. One situation comes to mind…a friend of a friend, someone who I had talked to briefly maybe half a dozen times calls me up…I have a truck so of course, can I help her move. I spend a good 3-4 hours making three trips, and helping her unload and move into the house every time.. So she moves in; never calls, invites me to any parties she had there, not even thank you note, pack of cigs, 6-pack Budweser…nothing…a year or so later for the first time since she calls,,,needs help moving…do it again only it’s much longer trips…same result.

      That’s why I hold back with people I know until I feel the give take is about equal.Too much generosity too soon seems to often result in me being their steady source of mooching.

  55. Talin sweetheart, I know I posted to this article on facebook, but as I am catching up a bit today, I took the time to read this particular article carefully. You share some very deep thoughts and emotions and it takes a lot of courage.

    Indeed, it is truly not a good feeling to be used and abused. I’ve been there too. Let me tell you this. I found out that as a giving person, we tend to place our Happiness in the hands of others. If they “accept” us and offer us “love” in return, that makes us happy. That is what is killing you inside. Sweetheart, your Happiness should lie solely within YOU! That’s TheNewHappyYOU. Look at ALL your accomplishments, you must be so proud!!! I am proud of you! So many around you haven’t done half of what you are doing!!! That should bring you happiness in itself.

    Of course you will be happy when someone returns a gift to you, by offering you some TLC, inviting you to join a party and so on. Yet, you cannot expect it, because many many will keep disappointing you. Your expectations may be too high for them (sadly enough, you’re not asking for anything really, but that’s the sad reality). Don’t let their lack of humanity destroy you inside.

    I hope my happyme wisdom will help you march forward on your path!!
    Luv ya!

    Carmen

    • and one more thing… when you notice friends are putting your expectations lower, it’s time for a change. Surround yourself with people of high standards and together you will elevate to a higher state of love and friendship!! xoxo

    • Well said, Carmen. So many of us hope or expect to be treated with the same consideration we offer others, but far too often we end up disappointed and hurt. I’ve learned not to expect anything from anybody any more, so when I am at the receiving end of kindness, I really appreciate it and treasure it like gold!

  57. I look at people who use others as the losers. Although, I know it hurts, people who are not nice are usually not the happiest people. It does not feel good to act badly to another.

    I am sorry, you are going through and wish I had some easy answers for you but I am not sure there are any easy ones. Good luck.

  58. Learn to love yourself. Make sure you take vitamin D, read about it online for the dosage because a vitamin D deficiency can cause you to feel exactly as you describe. If you continue to feel badly please see your doctor.

    Remember that old saying: “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

    What do you love and who do you love? If you love yourself you will be more lovable to others. Participate in things you love, you will find like minded people.

    Choose to be happy. There are times in everyone’s life when they know they are being used, but if helping makes you happy, it is a good thing. If it makes you unhappy, find a way to say, “no.” If you can’t say no, then choose to be happy that someone needs you.

  59. “Give, but don’t allow yourself to be used. Love, but don’t allow your heart to be abused. Trust, but don’t be naive. Listen to others, but don’t lose your own voice.” – Author Unknown

    “Surround yourself with people who know your worth. You don’t need too many people to be happy, just a few real ones who appreciate you for exactly who you are.” – Author Unknown

    “Sometimes when you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore, but because you realize they don’t.” – Author Unknown

    “If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be part of it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.” – Author Unknown

    “Don’t dwell on those who let you down, cherish those who hold you up.” – Author Unknown

    “There’s a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it’s NOT giving up. It’s realizing you don’t need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life.” – Author Unknown

    “Respect people who find time for you in their busy schedule; but, love people who never look at their schedule when you need them.” – Author Unknown

    If you realy like someone, there’s no such thing as not having enough time for them. – Author Unknown

    “Friends always have time for friends. Busy friends make time for friends. Regardless of how busy a person may be, a true friend is never too busy for another friend.” – Roland Louis Hansen

  60. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in the world like that. You just have to find the ones that are not like that for friends. Better to have one or two good friends than to have a handful of fair weather friends. This too shall pass Talin. The more you show your hurt, the more people get off on hurting you. The best thing you can do is find other friends who will appreciate you.

    • I agree entirely with what you say. That has always been my motto. I am very happy with just a couple of good friends and my family, including our dog, Bramble. I feel truly blessed to have them.

  61. These users are true sociopaths. They will take everything you give and exhaust you. They have no perception of empathy, sharing, or compassion.Run….as fast as you can….things will never get better. You have no control of other peoples actions…only your reaction. After a few years of dealing with this person (my own sociopath) I am looking for new friends. I still believe in love and that people are mostly good.

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